Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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