My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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