Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
