my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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