I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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