The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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