There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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