I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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