i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
