tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
