When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Randomize
