During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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