she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
