Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
