Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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