i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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