My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
