I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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