I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
