Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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