I think im going to throw up on grandma
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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