you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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