There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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