he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize