planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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