I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
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