i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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