Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
