How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
