So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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