ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
