Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
