No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize