I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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