Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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