i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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