God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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