Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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