I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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