careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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