I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
