i think i scared a bird with my dick
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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