We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
