Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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