I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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