either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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