Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize