Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
