sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
