I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
