The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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