I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
