she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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