I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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