i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
